I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Randomize
