The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
