K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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