I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
