I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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