I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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