I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
