I think my fart just growled at me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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