a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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