I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
