I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
