you mean i was at the winter classic?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
