he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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