I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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