Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
