I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
