his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
