Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
