from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
