i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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