Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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