yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize