Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
