FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
