when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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