I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
