I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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