dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
