Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
