She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
