She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
