Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
