WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
