i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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