i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
