If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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