Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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