She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
