Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Randomize
