After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
