i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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