So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
