my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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