I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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