He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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