can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
