I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
