Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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