I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
