Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
