just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am spending my child support on dildos
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
