everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
