i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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