What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
