I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
