you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
