Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
