True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
