Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize